40 First Dates

November 2, 2009

4: No More Mr Nice Guy

Filed under: Uncategorized — 40firstdates @ 9:58 pm

Since writing about anyone I actually know is a no go, I have to rely on dating websites for this experiment. Men reduced to words and pictures.

So, guy in the orange tank top and visor, that’s a no. And you, posing next to the Lamborghini, also, no. To the man who put an apostrophe in the word “car’s”. No.

Dude who wrote saying, “I’ve never been with an English girl, but could be into that.” They have freephone numbers for you.

And the guy who mailed me, waited until I checked his profile, gave it five minutes, then sent me this: “I saw you looked at me. Was there something you did not like?”


Also wanting to speed up this 40 dates business, on the advice of a friend, I joined plentyoffish.com. It’s free, so there’s a lot more traffic.

I may as well have posted naked photos of myself on Craigslist.  Every two minutes my iphone bings with another e-mail from Sleazebags R Us.

So what is the point of online dating? It’s not really the story you want to tell your grandkids is it? On the one hand I have massive respect for the people who are genuinely trying to find love online, putting themselves out there, being open and receptive, honestly admitting they haven’t found anyone in person.

But after paddling in the online pool for a month, it just feels like a giant bar. One that’s about to close. There are a couple of lonely guys drinking through breakups, a socially-inept geek and a slimy bottom-feeder circling the overserved chick who just dropped her keys down the toilet.

There are a few exceptions, of course. Like at the bar, you get your normal, well-adjusted people who just fancied getting blasted tonight. They happen to be hanging around, because no better plan came along.

Sadly this was not the guy I went out with last night. Last night was socially-inept geek guy.

Sweet and shaking with nerves, he seemed like he wanted to run from the moment I sat down. I applaud him for making it through a whole hour in fact. I had to restrain myself from patting him on the arm reassuringly. He had things to offer, a great and interesting career in movies, a history of adventurous travel and award-winning musical talent. He wasn’t bad looking, ruggedish, tallish, nice eyes. But he was terrified of me.

I’m not ready to forgo finesse and chemistry. I know everyone says that stuff disappears in the long-term relationship anyway, and maybe one day I’ll be ready to settle for less, but not yet. Call me unkind, immature, cold even, but I don’t ever want to coax a guy through a date.

Friends say I need to consider the ‘nice guy’. Actually scratch that, my mum said it. My friends still believe in looking for fireworks, ‘pizzazz’, or as Carrie Bradshaw put it, ‘the za za zhoo’.

Ok so my mum has turned out to be right about everything else, but for some reason I can’t give up on the kind of player who keeps me guessing, who doesn’t care that much.

Recently my brother asked me why I suddenly showed interest in a guy I’d previously thrown on the ‘nice guy’ pile. I gave it some thought, then finally traced the moment my interest flared.

“He started acting like an arsehole”  I said.

It’s not just me. Men have so often asked, ‘why do women like pigs? Why does the player get the girl?’

It’s more than simply, ‘we want what we can’t have’. It’s that we want someone who likes themselves, someone with self-respect. That’s attractive.

But what looks attractive can easily be a cover for rampant misogyny. And in women, steely resolve and high standards might be the thin paper over some serious fear. Or she could be someone who reels a guy in, only to move onto the next ego boost.

Dating is a high-risk, high-stakes game. Luckily my cards aren’t genuinely on the table.

Geek guy wants to go out again. I’m ignoring him. If nothing else, there’s plenty more sleaze in the sea.


  1. it has to be movie love…with the drama and tears and, always always always, happy romantic-kiss-that-you-want-to-go-on-forever ending. never settle for anything less.

    Comment by crazy p — November 2, 2009 @ 11:34 pm | Reply

  2. Depends on the online dating site; they vary hugely. I went online dating as I gave up trying to meet anyone at work/in work circles (you try finding someone without social problems or hygiene issues working in research science). I tried a few different sites and met my share of weirdos and general ineptos – including the memorable bloke who I refused to go out with, but who offered instead to be my fuckbuddy. Lovely.

    Anyway, I joined a newspaper dating site and met a man I actually liked emailing, then enjoyed talking to. Meeting up was fun as well, and the fun congtinued when he moved in. Then we packed things up, tried and failed to sell the house, shrugged, rented it out till things get better, moved north and got married earlier this year. We’ve never been shy about how we met. In fact, we talked about it in our wedding speeches. Does this sound too ikky? I couldn’t believe it either; I never thought I’d ever get married. Let alone to an online weirdo. But life is strange, and so is dating. Don’t give up. Roll on #5!

    Comment by shima — November 3, 2009 @ 9:04 pm | Reply

  3. You’re right. People are attracted to other people with confidence. The rat bastards have it, in spades, and that’s why we like them. We’re believing their own propaganda.

    I can see it in myself. I am not a rat bastard (bitch) but I am genuinely happy in my own life, and with myself, and it shows. I’m not that goodlooking, definitely have issues and don’t consider myself anything special. But I like the person that I am and like seems to attract like. Shame I really don’t want to date or have a partner, because I’ve only just figured this out, when I could have used it years ago!

    Comment by kitty — November 6, 2009 @ 12:09 pm | Reply

  4. I’m not buying into the movie-love-or-nothing thing. It simply has to be comfortable. You have to be you. He has to be him. As I’m sure I’ve told you a million times, don’t underestimate the slow burn… x

    Comment by Mac — November 16, 2009 @ 2:00 pm | Reply

  5. This is why I dumped my current boyfriend twice in our first year together. He’s so…nice. But I quickly figured out that we also had chemistry and I missed him desperately when we were apart. Seven years later I’m glad I picked a nice guy.

    Comment by Nose in a Book — November 28, 2009 @ 11:49 pm | Reply

  6. Don’t give up hope! I found my husband on the internet (yahoo personals) and he is a keeper! I used to like drama, and it was difficult to get used to a man that was normal, even tempered, understanding -but still a manly man.
    We have been married 5 years now….and there isn’t a day go by that he tells me that meeting me was the best thing that ever happened to him. 🙂 Good luck! 🙂

    Comment by Lorraine — June 7, 2010 @ 4:17 pm | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

%d bloggers like this: